source of pressure

my family is the biggest source of pressure for me.

parents and grandparents divorced, but i'm glad.
lol
father cares about money more and mother and i will always quarrel most of the time we met.
sister super "spend less spend less" kind.

*father side
eldest aunt quite nice towards me
second aunt have her family and trouble to take care of
third aunt cares about me too much, expect too much from me in studies and treating me like a kid that doesn't know how to solve problem in relationship between my boyfriend and i.

*mother side
eldest aunt stand at her children side no matter what happens whether is it her children fault or not, and thinks that i'm doing the right thing by keeping my mouth shut when my mother start scolding me no matter whether i'm right or wrong, no matter what i wanted to say, and expecting me to apologize to my mother no matter whether i'm right or wrong.
her eldest daughter, which is my cousin thinks that when my mother got angry, i should say sorry no matter what, and put myself into my mother's shoes.

my boyfriend, IT student, when he goes to my relative's house, the only thing he knows what to do is to keep in touch with his beloved digital devices: his phone.
what my aunt worry is he will turn out to be like my father which doesn't care about children at all.
what everybody thinks is that he doesn't open up his heart.
what i care about is that he does take care of his own body.
i didnt want me ending up going to hospital everyday to take care of him worrying that he might end up with someone like my friend's father dying in their house toilet by heart attack and my friend is the one to inform his whole family.
for my boyfriend, by neglecting his own health actually cause a lot of problem not just towards himself, also to me, adding pressure to me and to everyone that cares about him.

so all my closes family members end up to be all of my pressure.
let's see, if i talk about me failing my 2 subjects twice, what i predict is:
everyone ask: why fail twice?!
then followed up with: did you pay attention?!
must be everyday go out with boyfriend.

but what they didnt see is how much effort i put into my studies then just sentence me.
how lovely~

i didnt know how, and why i didnt pass when i put so much effort in.
by frank, in my whole life until now, this is the most effort that i put in so far.

my aunt will say:
you can do better in your studies.
me, your sister, your cousin, we are not smart people in studies, the reason why we can study till now is because we put in much more effort into our studies.
and i can see that paul is the one that distract you in your studies.
now you've failed, so what is your plan for your future?
i guess since you failed twice for the same subjects, i think that even if you continue your studies and take up the same subjects again you might fail too.
why dont you either go back to malaysia study nursing or take up those hospitality course.
you cant work in singapore either, without a pass.

then my father will say:
so i wasted all those money for you to go to singapore and fail these 2 subjects twice.
why didnt you just stayed here last time and studied ACCA at least by now you would have in half way of the course already.......

why they always wanted me to go the path that i doesn't want?
i didnt know what to do, i didnt know what i wanted...
so?
is there a problem by telling those so called adults the truth that i really didn't know what i want and what is my dream?!

i'm curious, is it like what sally said, that their love is conditional?
they expect me to get something like a degree or something?
to be success in studies?
to behave like what they wanted me to be?
to get good grade in studies?
else its not worth studying?
is it like that?

if its so i rather i get myself into accident and loose all my memory.
that might as well let me to start a new life.
if that accident cause my life i will take the risk, i would rather die now than living like this in suffer.

deppression

i took 2 freaking years to study my diploma.
and first year i failed introduction to economics and statistics 1;
and the second year is to repeat those failed subjects.

i paid more attention and do more practices.
worked hard for a whole year...

waiting for the results after my exam and it turns out to be very very disappointed.
i failed that two subjects again...

2 days before today:
i went to visit my aunt.
she was asking about my exam results.
and i told her that i have phobia receiving my results due to the failure last year.
and she dont except this reason to be the reason why i have no idea of passing the paper or not.
then she was saying that paul is not a compatible boyfriend to me.
which he have no intention or eagerness of doing any other things other than playing with his digital devices.
and pointing out that he doesn't like children might end up to be another person like my father.

which all of this cause me to be very upset.
as i was staying over my aunt's place, i held my tears for the whole night, couldn't sleep till 4.30am.
and cried it out in the morning when i reached home.

yesterday went out with my roommate and another friend of mine wanted to join us and i thought that it will be fine but the day turns out to be very exhausted as that friend of mine is very irritating...

then today she woke me up to inform me about the result is out...
and when i check it out it turn out to be the worse nightmare of mine...
and its 2 MARKS more to pass the fucking statistics.
i've been spending that 12 months before this and done tons of practices and yet i failed twice which i do not deserve this.
and when i phoned up the course coordinator and she said that nothing can be done as they will only check the administration error that occurs.

so in the end its just WHAT THE FUCK...